It’s funny sometimes how uncomfortable people can be around others who are grieving, despite the fact that each of us has to go through some type of grief at one point or another. It’s an inevitable part of life and a side effect of having relationships with other beings. Loss.
And yet, even if we’ve experienced it ourselves or witnessed others going through it before, we often feel awkward and shy about what to say or how to approach the subject of grief or loss with someone we care about. Some of the most common excuses I’ve heard from others is that they’re afraid that it will bring up hard emotions and make the person feel sad, or that they will accidentally say the wrong thing.
I’ve got news for you. That person is already sad. And they’re already thinking about their recent loss. All. The. Time. They are facing reminders of their loss 100 times a day and feeling like their whole world has been turned upside down.
So when friends or family are reluctant to bring up the subject, or act like nothing has happened, it just makes the grieving person feel even more isolated and as if their grief isn’t valid. THAT is what makes the pain even worse. It’s not the talking about it. It’s the avoidance of talking that really hurts.
So what do you say to offer pet loss support when you don’t know what to say?
Here are 5 examples of things you can say for for pet loss support show that you care and to build a bridge to help in the healing process.
#1 - How are you adjusting…so far?
Our pets often set the rhythm for our days and this is especially true if it’s a senior pet, one with special needs, or one that has had a lot of care requirements due to a serious illness. When a pet dies and we no longer have the responsibility of caring for them and worrying about them 24/7, figuring out what to do with all of that extra time and energy can be a huge challenge. People often report feeling like they've lost part of their identity and they don’t know what to do with themselves anymore because their entire daily routine was built around their pet. Adjusting takes time and it can take a few attempts to really settle into a “new normal”. Asking someone how they’re ADJUSTING (vs. the generic “How are you doing?”) signals that you understand that the loss of their pet has created a huge shift in their life and that getting used to this new reality doesn’t happen overnight.
#2 - I know he/she was so loved, and really important in your life.
It seems so simple, yet this can be one of the most impactful things you can say to a grieving pet parent. This simple statement conveys that you appreciate that this loss is significant and their grief is justified. It also helps to remind them that they were a good pet parent and did their best to give their pet a happy life full of love. And even if you’re not a ‘pet person’ yourself and don’t really understand what they’re going through, that’s okay. All you have to know is that this animal companion was important to THEM, and recognizing that in your words can go a very long way.
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless.” – Dave G. Llewelyn
#3 - How did your pet first come into your life?
It’s amazing some of the stories I’ve heard over the years when I’ve asked people this question and often it will tell you a LOT about the bond that this person shared with their pet and some of the things that may make their grief easier or harder to work through. Oftentimes this question will result in really heartwarming stories about how the pet was rescued, or wandered into their yard, or was hand picked out of a litter. Other times you’ll hear about how they were a surprise from a parent or spouse (past or present). Oftentimes this can let you know how many life transitions the pet has been a part of, especially if it’s someone who tells you that they got their dog as a 12th birthday present, or just as they were starting college, or right after they got married and before they had kids. You may also find out that the pet was adopted in response to another loss or shortly before a loss and how that pet helped them through one of the most difficult times in their life. There are a thousand origin stories and they all give you insight into the bond that the person shared with their pet and they can also bring back some really happy memories of those early days and how things used to be.
#4 - I’d love to hear about your pet if you feel up to talking about him/her. Tell me more about his/her personality or one of your favorite memories.
One of the scariest parts about losing a loved one, human or pet, is the idea that they will eventually be forgotten. As if they never existed. When people forget to ask about the person or pet who died, it reinforces this fear and can make it hard for the grieving person to feel comfortable bringing up memories or sharing stories. They assume no one wants to hear about it or cares enough to remember their loved one. The reality is that most people LOVE having the opportunity to talk about their departed loved one, share their favorite memories and tell you all the things about them that made them so special. We want to keep their memory alive by talking about them and being reassured that others will remember them too.
Which leads us to…
#5 - One of my favorite memories of ___ is _____.
If you knew the pet, even in passing, sharing a memory of them can be such a kind gesture and make your grieving friend feel comforted knowing that their pet had an impact beyond just them, and that other people remember their animal companion with love too. We all think that our pets are the most special souls in the world and it feels good when other people let you know that their life was impacted by them in some small way too. Being the first to share a special memory can also be a great ice breaker for the grieving pet parent to also share a story and often this will lead to some smiles and laughs as they recall some of their favorite moments together.
Don't Be Afraid to Start a Conversation
Ultimately, the best thing to say to a friend who is grieving for a beloved pet is not so much about WHAT you say, as WHAT you convey. Opening the door to conversation and sharing of feelings or memories lets them know that you care and that you’re recognizing their grief and loss as something significant in their life. This alone can mean so much. Avoiding conversations about their pet will just amplify their hurt and isolation and may even end up damaging your relationship because the perception may be that you just don’t care and their pain doesn’t matter. So don’t be afraid to talk about loss or ask questions. Even if the person doesn’t feel like talking right there and then, it’s okay. You’ve already let them know that you’re open to it when they’re ready.
What’s YOUR experience? Is there something that someone has said to you following a pet loss that you’ve found helpful or really caring that you’d recommend? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Comentários