The loss of a beloved pet is hard on everyone in the family, including kids of all ages. But often in an effort to protect them, parents try to shield their children from the loss of a pet or feel unsure of how to address it with them. It's important to realize that it's usually not the actual death of a pet that creates trauma or unresolved grief – it’s not TALKING about the loss or INVOLVING the child in the process of saying goodbye that can create permanent feelings of grief, guilt and resentment.
So where do you start?
#1 - Be Honest & Avoid Euphemisims about Death and Dying
Talk to your kids about their pet’s death in terms that they can understand and that are appropriate for their age level. Avoid using confusing terms or expressions like “put to sleep” or “went to the Rainbow Bridge”. It’s okay to say that the pet died, and to explain (in words they can understand) that death is permanent and that the pet will not be coming back home. Let them know that even though someone that we loves dies, we still remember them and they stay part of our family forever, but it is now through memories and favorite stories about them instead of a physical presence.
We often think that talking about death with children will scare them or is something that they’re unaware of, but even if your child has ever watched a Disney movie, they already have some awareness of the concept of Death. And although they may be at an age where they don’t completely understand its permanence or the repercussions of dying, they also don’t carry around the same baggage that we adults do regarding death and dying. They are open to learning from us and are still discovering how the world works – and the fact is that dying is part of the life experience for all of us, so the earlier we can start teaching children how to handle death and grief in a healthy way, the more resilient they’ll be as they grow up and face other losses.
#2 - Ask Questions & Then Really Listen
I frequently find that parents are afraid to ask their kids what questions they have about their pet’s death or how they’re feeling about things because they don’t feel prepared to answer esoteric questions about life and death or their personal spiritual beliefs, or they think that bringing it up with their child will make them more sad or anxious. Don’t overthink it – just ask them and see what they say. You may be really suprised at what you hear.
Most of the time, the questions that kids have are very simple and practical and they’re not looking for long, detailed answers, they just want some simple facts to satisfy their curiosity or to help make things more clear for them. Take the time to listen to what they’re actually asking and then provide THAT specific information they’re looking for. Be honest and be clear (again, using terminology that’s age-appropriate), and then ask them if they have any other questions or if they want to talk about how they're feeling about the death of their pet.
And if a question comes up and you don’t have an answer, or don’t know how to answer something in that exact moment, that’s okay too. You can let them know that you don’t know yourself or that you don’t have a good answer for them right now, but promise to come back to it once you’ve given it more thought or done some research. And make sure you honor that promise!
If they do ask a more thought-provoking question about spirituality or life after death, etc. and you're not quite sure how to respond, you can always ask them a follow up question such as “What do YOU think happens to pets after they die?” to get a sense of what’s going through their mind and where they’re starting from. Again, their thought process is usually much less complicated than we expect, and it can open the door to a really meaningful conversation for both of you.
"It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question." – Eugene Ionesco
#3 - Find a Way to Help them Actively Grieve & Honor their Pet
Depending on their age, children may not have the vocabulary or life experience to fully express their feelings of loss or grief in words. Giving them ACTIVE ways to express their feelings and to honor the relationship they had with their pet can be really beneficial. Some ideas include:
Drawing pictures of their pet or how they’re feeling
Writing a story about the pet (they can either write it themself or dictate the story to you to write down for them)
Creating a tangible memorial such as a garden stone or planting something in the yard or decorating a memorial space in the house with some of their pet’s favorite things
Putting together a special photo book or video with favorite pictures
Planning a memorial ‘service’ together where you can play favorite songs, read a special book or poem, tell your favorite stories, etc.
Choosing some items to donate to a shelter or rescue to help other pets
#4 - Don’t Feel Bad if They Move On More Quickly Than You Expect
Sometimes parents are surprised at how quickly kids move on from the loss of a beloved pet or seem to ‘forget’ about them. Most of the time, this is just the beautiful reality of how much kids (especially young kids) live in the present moment. They take life as it comes and their attention span can be short as they’re busy collecting so much new information about the world every day. Don’t take it as the child didn’t love the pet or that they are necessarily suppressing any grief. Just keep the door open to conversations or questions as they come up and let them know that you’re always there to listen or help them if they ever feel sad or are missing their pet.
And if YOU”RE still dealing with grief and having difficult days, it’s okay to be honest about that with your kids. Always being ‘strong’ and not showing any signs of your own grief or sadness isn’t protecting your kids – it’s teaching them that grief and sadness should be hidden and not talked about. It’s important to demonstrate for our kids that it’s okay to sometimes feel sad and to miss someone you love that has died AND that there are ways to move through those feelings in a healthy way. By being a good example and allowing ourselves to show some vulnerability on occasion, we’re teaching them an invaluable life lesson.
Bottom Line: Don't Be Afraid to Talk to Kids About Pet Loss & Grief
The bottom line is that when it comes to helping your children through the loss of a pet, don’t be afraid to start a conversation and let them take the lead so you can answer their questions honestly and reassure them that no matter how they’re feeling right now, things will be okay, and they have your support. As with any transition in life, it can be difficult, but the death of a pet can ultimately be an opportunity for growth. It may even bring you closer to your kids when you demonstrate how much you respect their thoughts and feelings and honor the special relationship that they had with their animal loved one.
Do you need more support to work through the loss of a pet? Visit www.SiriusWellbeing.com to learn about one-on-one pet loss support sessions.
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