“How will I know when it’s time?”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this asked over the years when it comes to making end-of-life decisions for a pet. It’s the one question that most of us wrestle with when we see our beloved companions starting to struggle and we know that it’s likely just a matter of time until we have to make that dreaded phone call to set up a euthanasia appointment.
What is too soon? What is too late? Which is better in the long run?
I’ll be honest – my perspective on this question has changed a lot over the years. I used to subscribe to that idea that “you’ll just know”, or “they’ll tell you with their eyes when they’re ready.” Sure, maybe. That can definitely happen, and I certainly wish that for every pet parent out there.
But more often than not, pet parents feel too conflicted and overwhelmed by the idea of having to choose the exact hour of their pet’s passing to really be convinced that the time is right or that what they’re seeing in their pet’s eyes is accurate. They’re torn between wanting to help their loved one by any means necessary, and wanting to hold on to them for just a little longer. And hope. Oh yes, HOPE. We so often wait for just one more treatment option to present itself or one more bounce in energy and quality of life. We try to bargain and pray for just a little bit more time with them.
So how DO you know when it’s the ‘right’ time to help your pet make their transition and make that appointment for euthanasia? Here are some things to consider to help guide you in your decision.
#1 - Unmanaged Pain & Difficulty Breathing
These are the two absolute decision-makers when it comes to euthanasia and our pets. No matter how committed you might be to supporting a natural death at home or planning out the perfect goodbye, these are two instances when you MUST intervene and act quickly to protect them from suffering. If pain meds and palliative care are no longer providing any relief or if they are moving into respiratory distress, this is suffering and as their caregiver, you have an obligation to help them. You no longer have any choice.
#2 - What Makes Up Their Quality of Life (QoL)? And Yours?
There are some great Quality of Life Scales available to look through (my favorite is from Lap of Love at https://www.lapoflove.com/quality-of-life-assessment). They can help you see things more objectively and actually track your pet’s progression as they move closer to the end of their life. These aren’t black and white though – it’s important to consider your pet’s unique personality and to trust that you know them best. Add items to the QoL scale that are especially important to THEM and know what your personal line in the sand is when it comes to them so you will be better able to trust that ‘it’s time’ when that behavior or activity suddenly changes.
Just as important, think about YOUR Quality of Life and that of your family’s as well when assessing the situation. There’s no doubt that in a perfect world you would do whatever you could to support and care for your beloved pet for as long as you needed to. But CAN you? We all have limitations and these can be financial, physical, time/logistical, or emotional. If we try to push ourselves or our families beyond our limitations then we risk damaging the Human-Animal Bond and the precious relationship we have with our pets. We then start moving into a place of exhaustion and resentment and potentially long-term damage to the wellbeing of ourselves and our entire family. Nothing is more important than protecting the bond of love that we have with our pets and so we owe it to them and to ourselves to be honest about our own Quality of Life during this process.
“The story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye. The story of love is hello, goodbye.” — Jimi Hendrix
#3 - What Do You Want Their Goodbye to Look Like?
If you ask the average pet parent, they’ll tell you that ideally, they’d like their pet to pass peacefully in their sleep at home due to old age that just suddenly caught up with them. No anticipation, no struggle, just a quick, quiet passing. Unfortunately, this kind of death is pretty rare and even a well-supported natural death is not often quick or without its struggles. And from my experience working with so many grieving pet parents over the years, I know that this sudden kind of loss, when it does happen, can be equally devastating because there are no opportunities to say goodbye or to even try to mentally prepare yourself. You still wonder if you should have seen it coming or could have done something to prevent it.
So, in the absence of this scenario, what do you want your final moments together to look and feel like? What do you think they want? A huge benefit of a planned euthanasia BEFORE they move into that range of suffering is that you can make decisions about where you want to be, who you want to be there, and how you want to say your goodbyes. This can be especially valuable if you have a favorite doctor that you trust, or you have certain family members that you want to be able to have there to surround your pet during their transition. If you wait too long and they’re suddenly in distress, then you lose all choice and it becomes a crisis euthanasia where all that matters is how fast you can make it happen. And if it happens in the middle of the night or on a weekend when 24 hour veterinary care might be less available, then you’re really in trouble.
#4 - What Can You Live with Long Term?
A wise friend once told me that it’s better to let them go a day too early than an hour too late. I hope to one day be able to follow this sage advice because in retrospect I definitely feel like I waited too long, especially in the case of my 12 year old English Bulldog Sampson. I was one of those naively hopeful pet parents who kept waiting for one last bounce and another good day. Instead, we pushed the boundaries a little too far and our goodbyes were filled with even more stress and anxiety than necessary. When he suddenly went into respiratory distress in the early morning hours of his last day, we didn’t have any more options. It was scary, and he deserved better. I’ll never be able to go back and change that, but I can learn from it and know that for me, living with the regret of having waited too long and watching him legitimately suffer is far worse than if I had let him go out on a high note a day or two earlier when he was still sick, but also still himself.
We all have our own views on this though and it’s important to be honest with yourself about what you feel will create the least amount of doubt and guilt in your mind long term. It can also help to consider what you might want for yourself if the situation were reversed. What would you tell your loved ones if they were faced with a similar choice?
#5 - Choosing Euthanasia is Not Choosing to End Your Pet's Life
Finally, and most importantly, always remember that choosing euthanasia for your pet is not choosing for them to die. You are not killing them and you are not really deciding to end their life. If it were up to you and you genuinely had a choice, they would stay with you indefinitely, and your love would be enough to keep them happy and healthy forever. But that’s not the reality of life. By the time that euthanasia is being considered, their bodies or minds are already starting to fail and their illness or age is taking them from you – sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, but THAT is what is taking their life. Despite all of our best efforts, we will always get to a point when nature wins out and we can no longer prevent the inevitable. They are dying with or without our intervention. Euthanasia is simply a choice we can make to either allow them to die peacefully and surrounded by love, or to take our chances and possibly have them suffer in their last moments.
So What's The Right Answer?
In my opinion, there is rarely a ‘right’ time to decide on euthanasia for your pet, as it will always feel like it’s too soon. What we CAN look for is a window of time between when our pets are still enjoying good Quality of Life on most days and that point at which they are in pain or suffering. Trust your instincts and knowledge of your pet and rely on your veterinarian or resources like Lap of Love or an in-home hospice provider to also help guide you in this decision-making process. When your decisions are guided by love and an intention to protect your pet as best you can, you will never be wrong.
What are your thoughts? Please share your comments below. And if you are in need of pet loss or anticipatory bereavement support, CONTACT ME to schedule a one-on-one consultation.
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