From the first day that you bring your furbaby home, you make certain assumptions. One of the biggest of these is assuming that you’ll get a certain amount of time together. Even if you adopt them as an adult, you still plan to have a full lifespan ahead – and if you’re lucky and you do everything just right – maybe you’ll even get bonus time with them as an advanced senior. Without even realizing it, we dream of the future with them that we expect to have. That we are entitled to have. But sometimes life has other plans.
I learned this lesson the hard way when my beloved heart dog Georgia was diagnosed with lymphoma when she was only 4 years old. Although we were able to share another year together thanks to chemotherapy and holistic support, it didn’t feel like nearly enough. It wasn’t nearly enough. I had worked so hard to give her the very best of everything and to be the best dog mom possible. I read so many books on dog health and bulldog care and spared no expense on anything that I thought would help her be healthier or happier. And yet it still wasn’t enough. Cancer found her and took her from us. It was devastating. I felt like I failed her.
Today, we lost another member of our family to cancer at a young age. My niece’s corgi, affectionately known as “Cousin Pancho” in our house, had to make his transition from this world, also due to cancer. He had just turned 4. Pancho was a fighter and surprised everyone with his refusal to follow the doctor’s original timeline for how long he would be with us following his diagnosis. And Pancho lived his life fully right until the end – a happy boy through and through. But somehow that doesn’t feel like much consolation when the average corgi lifespan is 12-13 years. It wasn’t long enough.
Losing a pet is losing a member of the family and it’s always hard to say goodbye. But what people often underestimate is the complex grief that comes with losing a pet at a young age. And unless someone has experienced it first-hand, it can be hard for them to relate to exactly how hard it is. Below are some things to know about processing this unique kind of loss.
Know that it’s okay to feel cheated.
It’s natural to feel angry at first, and cheated out of the time you expected to have together. Allow yourself to explore these feelings and express them. You have every right to feel like you and your pet deserved a different outcome. Just be sure not to let those angry feelings linger too long or to allow yourself to start feeling like a victim, as this can make grief even more isolating, and takes energy away from learning how to focus on feelings of gratitude and joy surrounding your pet, which is the true key to healing.
You need time and space to mourn for your pet AND the future you had planned on.
When a pet dies, we miss a thousand different things about their physical presence and all of the little daily habits and rituals that we built around them. Their absence throws off the whole rhythm of our day and can literally change how we perceive ourselves and our identity in the world. This is especially true if the final months (or years) were filled with a lot of caregiving duties.
But in addition to this, when a pet dies at a young age, you also need to grieve for the plans that you had and the future you expected to have with them. The birthdays you expected to share, the trips you had hoped to take together, the walks, the cuddles, etc. You need to allow yourself to mourn for these things that never got to happen, and to let go of this future that will never be. Sometimes writing a letter to your pet about all the things you wish you’d gotten to do with them can be helpful and give you a greater sense of connection with them.
Early loss is traumatic and can create feelings of anxiety with other pets.
Whether the loss is “expected” or genuinely sudden, the early loss of a pet is traumatic because no matter how enlightened we are about the fragile nature of life, none of us is prepared to lose a loved one when they are still young and are supposed to have their whole life ahead of them yet. When this happens, it can make the whole world feel so unpredictable and unsafe. This can often translate into extra worry about other pets and can even linger long into the future with new pets that come into your life.
I experienced this myself when my bulldog Duncan turned 4. That whole year I felt a little like I was holding my breath waiting for something bad to happen and was so relieved when we got past that milestone of his 5th birthday without any issues. It’s hard to completely shake those underlying fears after experiencing a traumatic loss and that’s okay. Just be sure not to let those fears take over and distract you from enjoying the time that you have with your pet today. Focus on the things you can control and what is ‘true’ vs. what is just a projected worry. Mindfulness exercises can be a great way to learn how to be more present with your loved ones and to overcome feelings of anxiety.
Focus on remembering what you did Right instead of wondering what you did Wrong.
When a pet dies at a young age it can be easy to feel like we were somehow to blame or that we could have done something differently to prevent that outcome. The truth is that yes, there may be things that we could have done differently, or that we would choose to do differently in the future, but nothing can allow us to go back in time and change things now. And, there is no guarantee that anything we did differently would have changed anything. The reality is that life IS fragile and there are far more things outside of our control than we like to believe. What’s critical is to remember that each of us does the best we can with the information and experience that we have at the time. Know that you made the best decisions you could for your pet in the moment and you always acted with their best interest in mind. And most of all, you LOVED them.
When you find yourself getting caught up in the “what if’ game of blaming yourself for what happened, consider writing down a “what was” list instead, including all of the things you did every day for your pet to show them your love. What are all of the ways that you cared for your pet and the special things you did to keep them healthy and make them happy? Special treats, toys, walks, cuddle time, cute nicknames, feeding them, keeping them clean, letting them sleep in your bed, comforting them when they were scared, etc. These are the memories that your pet carries with them – all of the ways you demonstrated your love and care every day. Animals don’t play the ‘what if’ game or wish that the past were different. They focus on the love that they felt and are grateful when they have their basic needs met. The other stuff is all just frosting on the cake.
Realize that time is even more precious when it’s short.
This is a hard one, but an important idea to make peace with in order to heal from the early loss of a pet.
Every day of your pet’s life was even more special and significant because there were fewer of them. And of all the people in the world, YOU got to share this precious time with them and be their person. And even though their time here was not as long as expected, think about the amazing impact they had and how much they changed you just by being in your life. This incredible bond of love is something that no amount of time or distance can ever take away. They were here and they mattered, and they will always be part of you.
Losing a pet at a young age is a unique kind of loss that can often complicate the grief process and intensify feelings of loss and regret. But recognizing some of the reasons why early loss can be so hard is the first step in learning how to work through these complex emotions and help you make your way toward healing.
If you have experienced the loss of a young pet and would like to learn about one-on-one pet loss support options to help you process your grief, CONTACT ME to see how I can help.
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